Good surprises

Sometimes my wonderful husband really amazes me. Sometimes I am actually shocked by how generous, understanding, and accepting he is. Sometimes I wonder what on earth I did to deserve him.

Red and I have certainly been having our share of ups and downs lately. Even though we've been married more than five years now, I guess I still react to our difficulties as if they were conflicts happening between my parents. My parents (whom I love very much) were disasters as parents, and as a married couple. (By "parents" I'm referring to my mother and the stepfather she was married to during my teen years. He was the only one of her husbands with whom I developed any kind of father/daughter relationship. He passed away suddenly several years ago.)

My parents were drunks. I remember one time, early in their marriage, they'd been out all night drinking with friends. They didn't come home, and my stepdad's kids (who were younger than me) were at the house with me for his visitation time. I didn't know where they were. I was trying not to panic because his kids were there and I didn't want to frighten them. I was always hyperaware of how close my parents were constantly putting themselves to death.

Finally, somewhere around 10-11 the next morning, I got a phone call from my stepdad. He was drunk again/still. He and my mother had apparently argued, and she left. The only thing he said when I answered was "Tell your mother I said GOODBYE." To me, it was clear that he meant permanently. Now, they didn't divorce. But I, knowing that I was basically at his mercy, had already accepted homelessness and packed up my car by the time they both arrived home. Mom had begun packing too by the time he settled down and agreed to talk about the situation.

I tell this story only to explain that to me, needing another person is dangerous. You never know how easily you can be thrown away. That wasn't the only time my stepfather threw me out of the house. Because he was always drunk, it took literally nothing from me to make him angry. I know now that he was basically making up reasons to get angry with me so that he could justify his drinking to himself. But there were times when I'd literally be woken up in the morning by his rage. Sometime during the night he would have found something I'd done (like parking the car crookedly in the driveway) that would send him into a rage.

I think one of the major reasons why I am so attracted to the idea of discipline in my marriage is that it gives a structure for dealing with conflict that is predictable. It has boundaries. It helps me feel safe that I'll never be thrown out of my own house, that Red will never break down the bedroom door at night because I parked the car wrong. I know how conflict will be handled now. It will be handled by talking, and possibly by discipline.

However, I fear sometimes that this is asking too much of Red. I feel like I'm telling him, "You must deal with your emotions on my terms. And then once discipline occurs, you must let it go forever." I know that I would have an extremely hard time if he told me how he wanted me to deal with my emotions.

Earlier this week, Red and I were in the car together on a long drive to a business meeting that we both had to attend. I told him about this concern and how I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean, this predictability is a major benefit of domestic discipline for me, and if I cannot rely on it, then I don't think I'd want to continue down this path.

As I explained my feelings to him, I was bracing myself for him to say something like, "You're absolutely right. It's completely unfair to me. You are asking way too much of me. How dare you try to dictate how I deal with my feelings with you."

Instead, Red shrugged his shoulders, smiled, and said, "I know. It's okay. I accept it."

I admit to expressing disbelief at this point.

Then he explained, "Look, it is what you need. And to be honest, exercising the authority you've given me will help me. I've been sick for a year and a half. Having control in our relationship helps me to feel like I have some control over my own life."

And that was it. No explosions. No arguments. No tossing me out of the car on the side of the highway. Just complete acceptance.

I've never experienced this before, but I like it. I hope I'll be able to get used to it.

Question for Other Bloggers

I've been getting some seriously creepy emails. I've gotten some that are clearly just looking for me to link to their websites and probably have never actually read mine at all.

I've gotten others, though, like one I got today, that are particularly creepy. I find them particularly creepy because I can't tell what the author is looking for. It may be that it is just some pervert looking for details about my sex life, but the email I got today also talked about Christianity and DD. Somehow the author has gotten the impression that I am submissive to my husband because of my religious beliefs, which simply isn't the case.

I should probably blow this off, but it is just so icky. Any suggestions as to what I should do?

I'm in a book

I'm in a book. I can't believe I forgot to mention that. It's called Being Virtual, by Davey Winder.

A while ago, maybe a year or so ago, someone posted on ASSville about their friend who was writing a book, who was interested in interviewing people from the group. So, I contacted Mr. Winder and ended up exchanging emails with him for a while. I was under the impression that there would be more spankos in the book, but I'm half way through reading it, and so far, I'm the only one.

I had a panicky moment when I realized that the book had been released. Contacting Mr. Winder was totally out of character for me. Although I insisted that he use a pseudonym for me in the book, I still felt like I outted myself to the world. Not to mention, I gave him a TON of personal information. I had completely trusted him to not hurt me... not something that I do easily.

But it paid off. Mr. Winder handled my portion of the story, as well as all the other stories that I've read so far, with grace, insight, and compassion. He didn't make me look like a twisted pervert. He even made me look at myself a bit differently, more gently.

He also made me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have an online community like this... The other bloggers and forum members with whom I established acquaintances have given me a great deal of comfort. You've all helped me feel like a "normal" person. You've helped me to see that I'm not alone in a world that tends to ignore people like me... I'm an introvert, an abuse survivor, a sexual deviant (for lack of a better term)... I don't easily make friends. I don't easily trust people.

So, thank you, to all of you who have reached out and made contact with me. It means more than you know.

Desperate Measures

As they say, "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

Various issues have kept Red and I from engaging in the kind of play, or the kind of discipline arrangement, that we both seem to want. I've gone back and forth between having a sense of humor about my frustrations and feeling totally hopeless and angry.

Back when I had a better sense of humor about the attention that I was not receiving, I made this tshirt:



Only to discover that Red was not wearing his glasses that day and could not read it.

Then, a couple weeks ago, Red and I were perusing our local Target store when I saw these:



and was reminded of this post, by Sparkle, in which she talks about using socks as a signal. I put the socks in the basket and quickly explained my thinking to Red. He agreed, apparently grateful to have some indication of when he should spank me.

I wore them the next day, for a couple of hours. I propped my feet up on the couch, and wiggled my feet when Red was near me. I swear he looked right at them once. But alas, they didn't work either. There was no spanking that evening, and when I later talked to Red about it, he explained that he simply hadn't noticed the socks.

I suppose it is for the best, though. Both times, I felt wrong about trying to signal him in that way. It is extremely important to me that I feel he is in control when he spanks me. I need to feel like it is his decision. Signalling feels like I'm topping from the bottom, which takes an important emotional element away for me.

Still, I feel like there are times when I need to be spanked. I wish there were some way that I could trigger a spanking without having to be in control of the situation.

Update/Confession

Again, I'm still here. I've been quiet lately. I don't exactly know why. I have been sort of depressed lately. Red's illness had been getting better but then worsened again lately. Nothing fatal or anything, but he's experiencing a lot of pain. We're working with pain doctors now to try to come up with something that can help to eliminate or at least manage his pain.

Honestly, though, I haven't been writing much because I just feel like I don't have anything useful to say. I don't want my blog readers to get bored by listening to me whine about my problems and my insecurities, so I've stayed quiet. There has been no spanking around here lately. Red and I have talked about it some, but I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't something that will work out for us in the long term.

My spanking mojo seems to have disappeared, as had any inkling of a desire I might have had to be submissive. Lately I've been frustrated as hell that I can't be the dominant one in this relationship. The other day I told Red from between clenched teeth, "Are you sure you don't want to be the submissive one in the relationship? Because I sure as hell can think of plenty of reasons to spank you." Frankly, if he isn't going to be dominant, then I just want him to do what he is told!

One of Red's issues is that he apparently can't think of any reasons to spank me. He can, apparently, think of plenty of reasons to be annoyed with me, but he never spanks for anything anymore. When he does want to spank, it seems like all he wants to do is play at it. As much as I love play spanking, lately it just grates on my nerves because I'm not getting what I need emotionally from it. I don't get any kind of emotional release from it. It doesn't make me feel submissive. It doesn't make me feel more connected to him. It just makes me feel like an ass to spank.

I get jealous sometimes when I read my favorite blog writers. I know you all have problems of your own. But I feel alone with my problems. I feel like Red and I have lost a major part of our connection. I haven't felt submissive in a long time. I haven't been properly spanked in a very long time. I hate myself because whenever I open my mouth (or my keyboard, actually), I end up sounding like a whiner, and I say negative things about Red. I don't want to bash Red. He's a good man.

But I find myself thinking... why can't we be more like Sara and Grant, or Sparkle and Chris?

What a terrible thing to think, when I have wonderful man at home. He's good to me. He's honest, honorable, and trustworthy. I really do love him so much. So, why am I so unhappy?

I'm ashamed of myself, and I don't like exposing the ugliness in my head to the world. But I know I've been MIA, and an email this morning from a fellow blogger made me realize that I probably should post something to let everyone know that I'm still alive.

I'm still alive.

Grumble, Grumble

Red says that I can't stay in bed wallowing in depression. He says I can either get up and do something or I can get spanked.

So, I'm up and doing something. I'm grumbling about what a butthead he is.

I'd rather be in bed right now.

But I'm not in bed right now, and do you know why?

That's right. Because Red is a butthead.

I'm still here...

Hello all... This is a "Don't worry about me, I'm still alive" post. I'm not sure why I've been so quiet lately except that I've just not been feeling inspired to post. There have not been many spankings around here, although things look like they'll be picking up again soon, as Red seems to be feeling more comfortable with the power that I've given him. We'll see what happens...

I have read the (in)famous Wakeman article. I, too, should be posting a response to it. I put the article aside so that I could do some mental processing. I'd like to reread it one more time before I formulate a response. Here's hoping I can quit being so damn lazy about posting!

I've received some comments on older posts lately. For those who've commented, I've finally managed to post responses to you. Please don't think that I'm ungrateful. I really am so happy to have readers who find something that they can relate to here and/or about which they feel inspired to comment.

So, I guess this is it for now. I hope all of you are doing well. I hope to be posting again soon. I certainly plan on it! I guess this is as good a reason as any for Red and I to start fooling around more... Wish me luck!