Vanilla Spankings: Part 3

So, during my senior year of high school and freshman year of college, one of my closest friends was dating a guy whom I will call C. C was very tall and very slender - the kind of guy who, even though he was much bigger than me, I simply couldn't see as physically imposing because he looked like he was all skin and bone. I spent quite a bit of time with my friend and C, during which I learned that there was definitely more to him than skin and bone.

During this time, my favorite way to deal with stress and insomnia was to go for long walks. It didn't matter to me what the weather was like, or what time it was. When I felt I needed to walk, I walked.

C hated that I did this. In fact, Red hates that I do this too. It seems that I most want to walk when I can't sleep at night. Only last night I was told that there was NO WAY that he was going to let me go out for a walk in the middle of the night. He said it in that grumpy voice that makes me think I'd better listen.

I remember one weekend night I'd gone out for a walk. It was sometime around midnight or 1 a.m. C was driving home from his job as a dishwasher at a restaurant and happened to spot me. He slowed his truck to a crawl and barked at me through the open passenger-side window.

"I'm fine, C," I called to him, trying to wave him off.

Suddenly the truck was parked and I walked into a wall of C. My nose literally hit his chest. Suddenly I was airborne. He'd lifted me off my feet and tried to put me into the passenger seat of his truck. I struggled, and got a hard smack on the behind for my efforts.

"What the hell was that?!?!" I remember asking. He'd slapped my butt so hard that I thought he'd managed to make a paddle materialize out of nowhere. But it was just his bony hand. My butt ached for a while from just that one smack.

I remember that he scolded me the whole way home and made veiled threats about what would happen if he ever caught me out walking by myself after dark again. I pouted and tried to argue, but didn't push my luck.

Later, after I complained to my friend about what a Neanderthal her boyfriend had been, she confided that he'd spanked her once after she'd done something he found particularly frustrating.

I suppose that C is probably a spanko, though that was the last time my friend ever mentioned having been spanked. He was certainly always a toppy kind of guy. But I guess I'll never be sure about him though.

Vanilla Spankings: Part 2

My memories of high school and my antics with my friends are a blur of random ass-slappings. No proper spankings, mind you, but one or two of these events had a similar feel.

I can't say I was a part of the in-crowd. I wasn't really a part of the out-crowd either. I spent most of my time in the fine arts department, participating in extra-curricular activities. I was in theatre and in multiple choirs. The other students were a mixture from all different cliques, with the exception of jocks because their practice times always conflicted with the practice times in fine arts. So I was friends with almost everyone in high school. I can't really remember having any enemies. If I wasn't friends with a particular student, it was only because our conflicting schedules kept us from getting to know each other.

The fine arts department was a particularly friendly place at my school, as I recall. I've even continued to be friends with the teachers from that department. Anyhow, my point is that within my circle of friends, we were all fairly free with our bodies. It was not unusual to receive a random goose from someone in passing. A bunch of horny teenagers, we were.

I couldn't possibly recount all of the ass-slappings that occurred during my high school years. There are a few that stand out in my mind, though.

I remember rehearsing a scene on stage after school with a few other friends. I was always extremely afraid of being on stage, so silliness became a method of coping with my anxiety. My friend Brandon was good to me though. He was very comfortable on stage, so he made sure that we were always paired together in theatre class. He became my support system in the class and coached me through each scene to help me feel as comfortable as possible. Anyhow, during this one rehearsal period, we'd let the silliness get out of hand. It was around 6pm, so we'd been rehearsing for more than three hours for a scene that was supposed to be less than ten minutes long. I was giggling with a girlfriend of mine who was also in the scene, when all of the sudden I felt a sharp slap on my bottom.

"Pay attention," Brandon growled. And with that, I was completely focused again.

I also had other male friends who were frustratingly chivalrous. Now, in my late twenties, I recognize chivalry for what is is, and most of the time I think it is sweet even when I think it is annoying. Back then, however, I just found it annoying.

Again, in the theatre, I was working after school to prepare for a play. I was carrying a large box of props back to the prop room. My friend Jason appeared next to me and tried to take the box from me.

"I can do it myself," I protested.

"That box is too heavy," he insisted. "You're going to hurt yourself."

I rolled my eyes. He slapped my backside and took the box from me.

"Bully," I muttered after him.

You know, now that I'm writing about this, a bunch more examples are coming back to me. I don't know if perhaps I was somehow releasing spanko pheromones wherever I went, or if I just attended a school full of spankos. Or perhaps I just frustrate everyone around me into becoming temporary spankers.

Red would probably think it is the latter. But then, he's a bully too. :)

Vanilla Spankings: Part 1

A recent Sunday Brunch at My Bottom Smarts got me thinking about this topic. I've decided to break this post up into parts because I know I tend to be extremely long-winded. I really am trying to be more reader-friendly. :)

Bonnie cites a statistic from the game show The Power of Ten that says that 13% of Americans admit to having been spanked as adults. Participants in the brunch discussed their scepticism about the accuracy of the statistic and the variability in the definition of what constitutes a spanking.

This made me think of my experiences as a teenager and an adult. I've been threatened with spankings multiple times by people who I believed to be vanilla, and who did not know that I am a spanko. Most threats were never followed through on, but only because I managed to wiggle out of the situation somehow.

I am generally a good girl, but somehow I manage to frustrate people enough that they threaten to spank me. I've often wondered if somehow my spanko thoughts are being broadcasted to others without my knowledge.

One of the first examples that spring to mind was when I was eighteen years old. I was a senior in high school, and I was very active in extra-curricular activities. I'd been injured in a car accident so badly that I could barely move. I had severe back pain. My doctor had ordered me to take at least a week off of school and spend the time in bed recovering. I refused. I simply had too many important things to do. So I forced my way through my usual activities.

At an after-school meeting, I was working away diligently on a project when a teacher and one of the mothers approached me and insisted that I go home. I argued that I was perfectly fine and didn't need to rest. The mother then looked me dead in the eye and said, "If you don't go home and rest right now, I'm going to put you over my lap and spank you." Shocked, I stared at her for a moment and then decided that she couldn't be serious. I was a student, so she couldn't spank me. More importantly, I was an adult, and you can't spank an adult... right?

So I ignored her and went back to what I was doing. A little while later she spotted me working and came charging down the hallway after me with a look on her face that I hope I never see again. I hobbled away as quickly as my wounded body would carry me. I hid behind a friend of mine who was a football player and begged him to protect me. He scooped me up over his shoulder and carried me out of the building, and put me into the driver's seat of the car that I'd borrowed from my mother. He told me that if I didn't go home right then that he wouldn't protect me from the spanking next time. I decided to believe him and drove home.

That certainly was not the last time I was threatened with spankings. It always freaks me out, though, when someone other than my husband brings up the "s" word. I can't help but worry... do I have a neon "spanko" sign on my forehead?

Discipline and Eroticism

So, I tell myself that when I am disciplined, it is something separate, albeit marginally connected to, sex. Spankos who only use spanking for erotic purposes cannot seem to believe that spanking between adults can be anything other than sexual. I still believe that it is different.

However, they do clearly go hand-in-hand for me. For the past month, I've been trying to adjust to a new birth control. The old one had me feeling weepy and hormonal all of the time. During the time I was on it, I was desperate for discipline. The new birth control seems to have had the opposite effect on me. I do not feel at all submissive right now, do not feel the need to be submissive, and I have no interest in discipline. I also have very little interest in sex.

Like it or not, it seems that my need for discipline increases and decreases in direct proportion with my libido.

So, I clearly cannot claim that the two are completely separate. But when I'm being disciplined, there is so much going on that I simply do not associate with eroticism. I experience a lot of guilt and remorse. I frequently cry. I'm often scared and consumed by anxiety. I hate making mistakes. I can't say that I ever feel horny during these times.

However, when I'm over Red's knee getting the squirmy, fun kind of spanking, I end up practically humping his leg like a desperate puppy.

I was thinking a few nights ago about the connection between discipline and sex. The only explanation that I can offer right now is that the end results of both are extremely similar. After an orgasm, I feel completely relaxed, warm, and pleasantly sleepy. All of my cares are gone. I'm able to be in the moment, which is not something that I am frequently able to do.

Discipline is different than sex during the act, but the stress and catharsis of the event leaves me with a similar exhaustion. There are times when I feel the need to be punished, but I've done nothing wrong. I feel a bit crazy during these times. I hate being punished, so why do I feel such a strong need for it? Well, I suspect that it has something to do with the end result.

Sex and punishment are the only two circumstances wherein I surrender control of myself and my body. It is only when I stop trying to control things that I'm able to live in the moment and my other anxieties fade away. During sex, all of my sexual tension is released during climax. During punishment, all of my fear and stress is released. Both leave me feeling relaxed and refreshed.

I'm not sure I have any major point to make. I'm neither disputing nor affirming the claim that discipline is just sex in disguise. I'm just offering up some thoughts I've had recently for whatever they're worth.

Anyway, the month of December has been chaotic with holiday preparations. I may not post again until after the holidays are over, so I'd like to take this moment to wish you all the happiest of holidays.

Women, Stress, and Discipline

So last night, after returning from our six-hour visit to a local emergency room, I sat reading one of my favorite spanko stories while my husband blissed out on the morphine that was coursing through his veins.

Instead of horny, I got depressed. I've always had a bit of discomfort with the spanking stories that attract me, because I've worried that perhaps they indicate that I want to be treated like a child. A child is exactly what I don't want to be. But the hints of childishness are certainly present in these stories.

I tend to most enjoy stories about women who are taken in hand by some powerful and confident male suitor. The women are all used to doing everything for themselves, being mistreated by past men in their lives, and have come to resent being told what to do. The men are all apparently enormous and strong, while the women are all tiny.

I've always found traditional romance novels ridiculous because of how completely unrealistic they are. Yet in the corner of my mind, I do realize that the spanking romances are equally unrealistic... so why do I love reading them so much? I think it is because, no matter how exaggerated they may be, they do reflect certain emotional needs of mine, and probably of many other women too, given how many of these stories exist.

While I hate that these women are all tiny and the men all huge, to me it seems to be an outward expression of an internal feeling. It bothers me because as a feminist I recognize that women are starving themselves out of existence in order to meet this unattainable ideal of being waifish, while men are shooting up with steroids in order to become almost cartoonishly strong and muscular... It is as if as a society we're saying that, while men deserve to take up as much space as possible, women are worthy of very little space and therefore should strive to take up as little as possible. It is even reflected in how we tend to sit... men often lean back in a chair with their legs spread out in front of them, while women cross their legs, or even sit on their legs.

But the fact of the matter is, I do feel tiny, even though I might not be so physically. I feel much too tiny to master this giant world that is constantly throwing obstacles in front of me. I, like so many women, was taught to be a caretaker growing up. Now that I'm married, and my husband has been sick for nearly a year now, I've realized how overwhelming this role can be. It is not that I didn't understand what "in sickness and in health" meant when we took our vows... I vowed to be here in times like these, and I always will be. But it is incredibly difficult. And it isn't so much the catering to him, or the trips to the ER, or any of those things that make it so difficult - those are the things you'd fully expect when caring for a loved one. It is that he is so emotionally absent for me. I suddenly find myself feeling single within my marriage. Only, unlike when I was actually single, I'm single with a full-grown adult man to care for in addition to myself, and with no one to care for me.

On top of that are all the other responsibilities I have - I must be the sole homemaker, since Red is generally unable to help with chores or errands. I must work to fill in the financial gaps that his illness has left (he is able to work much less than he used to, leaving us with a lot of financial stress with the decreased income and the mounting medical bills). Also, I am still working on my graduate degree. As much as I've been wanting children, I am so glad that we do not have any yet. I simply can't imagine how I'd be able to take care of a needy child in addition to all of these other things.

I guess I should mention that I've been sick for the past month and a half too. My doctor has plainly stated it is because I'm under too much stress and my immune system is suppressed because of it. I'm exhausted and feel yucky all the time now, which only makes it more difficult for me to take care of my responsibilities.

I've heard so much about how domestic discipline is a reaction against feminism, that women are realizing that they just weren't made for equality and they need a man to take care of them. I respectfully disagree. Okay, perhaps a little less than respectfully... I think that is complete and utter bullshit. What women have now is not equality. Equality would be men taking on more responsibilities as home-maker and caretaker as women take on more responsibilities in the workplace. Men are simply stepping aside in the workplace to make room for their female colleagues, and then coming home and expecting their wives to do all of the work at home. (Of course, this is all MHO, and is not meant to apply to all men, just many.)

When I read about a strong man feeling completely justified in taking the woman he loves over his lap and spanking her silly because she is working too hard and not taking care of herself enough, it speaks to the part of me that is feeling overworked and overwhelmed. It seems to me that as a woman I'm expected to be an endlessly self-renewing font of caretaker energy. This just isn't possible. And when my doctor looks me in the eye and tells me that germs are bludgeoning my defenseless body because of stress, it makes me strongly desire someone who will step in and confirm to me and everyone else that my responsibilities actually are unreasonable. I work hard. I don't have the opportunity for a break, and I've had it ingrained in me that I don't deserve and shouldn't need one. I feel guilty for ever wanting one.

Nothing sounds so good to me right now as a lover who will step in and say, "not only should you not have to work this hard, I'm not going to allow you to do so because it is harming you. I care for you too much to sit idly by and watch you work yourself sick. Not only am I willing to take on some of those responsibilities, I am willing to take them from you against your will if need be, thereby relieving you of your automatic I-should-be-able-to-do-it-all-myself guilt response. I demand that we share responsibilities equally."

Jesus, what I want is a man who is so adamantly feminist that he'll stand up to the woman he loves at all costs in order to make sure that the two of them are equal...

Dr. Gentle and Mr. Tan-Your-Hyde

I nearly forgot how different the different kinds of spankings can be, but especially how different my husband can be while administering each kind. As I mentioned a few posts ago, I've gone unspanked for quite a while due to various reasons. My bottom has, er, make that "had," returned to virgin status.

Last night my husband decided to spank me. It wasn't a punishment spanking, it was a "because I can and you need it" spanking. Lately (relatively speaking, since he hasn't spanked me in a while), he has been sending me to the toy box with instructions to reach in without looking and pull out the first thing my hand touches. This time it touched the London Tanners ruler paddle. I groaned.

"You know, nothing in that box is going to make you any happier."

"Hmph." I know this. It doesn't matter if it is a theoretically less painful implement... it is all in how he uses it. And he seems to feel freer using the leather implements, given their relative safety compared to, say, our big wooden paddle. Hence, the groan.

So I got spanked. No warm up. With the ruler paddle. I was yelping and squirming immediately.

Now, I know it's been a while for me, but I'd forgotten just how much that ruler paddle can sting. Plus, my bottom was a lily-white virgin again. I could not believe how much it hurt every time that paddle made contact.

But I couldn't help but wonder at how different my husband is when he is punishing me than when he is giving me a more playful spanking. You'd think the punishments would be harder. You'd think.

When Red is punishing me, he is very quiet and somber. He speaks to me seriously, but gently, and spanks with a fairly consistent rhythm. I end up with a warm, sore bottom, but the pain generally passes quickly. I frequently feel that he let me off fairly easily, but then, I don't earn punishments very often.

When the spanking is more playful, for some reason Red seems to have far less discomfort with the idea of hurting me. He clearly enjoyed my reaction to each swat that fell, and he was downright gleeful after swatting me right across the middle of my bottom, catching both cheeks with roughly equal force. I emitted a particularly high-pitched squeal in response. Red said something about how he liked how my bottom looked when he did that, and swatted me again in the same spot. Grrr.

Afterward, he rubbed Capzasin on my bottom to make sure I'd feel it the rest of the night. He has become far too fond of the Capzasin lately. I'd like to confiscate it, but, well... that probably wouldn't be a good idea.

Today when Red asked me how I was feeling, I told him that I was sitting on a still-sore bottom. He grinned, and congratulated himself on his "craftmanship." Double grrr.

This Thing We Do: Domestic Discipline vs. Punishment Kink Revisited

This post by Natty at The Punishment Book:

http://www.punishmentbook.org/2007/10/domestic-discip.html#more

made me think more about my use of the label "domestic discipline" to describe the arrangement I have with my husband. What those words mean to me intuitively seem to mean something very different to most people in domestic discipline chat groups. So I figured it was worth examining more closely what this term means to me, as well as other, related words, like "submission."

I suppose when it comes to the lexicon of "this thing we do" (a phrase that I've garnered from The Punishment Book, and now Dyke Grrl's new discussion forum which I've added a link to under the "Forums" section), I've taken a more literal view on the words "domestic discipline." I've used this term as a shorthand for "this thing we do," out of a sheer desire to have a name for it. I suppose it makes me feel like I understand it better than I really do.

To me, "domestic discipline" refers to a relationship structure that incorporates discipline within the private sphere of the home. My husband and I actually have an egalitarian relationship. We make decisions together, and my opinion has equal value to his, unless it is a decision that is within the realm of either his or my expertise as professionals. He is an attorney, so I tend to leave the legal details of running the household to him. Basically, he and I accept more responsibility in the areas of life where we are the strongest, and defer to each other where we are the weakest. We seem to complement each other well that way.

The term that I've always had the most discomfort with is "punishment kink," because it seems to validate the arguments of the spankos who can't imagine using spanking for anything other than sexual kicks. To me, it implies that our discipline arrangement is nothing more than elaborate foreplay which is ultimately for the purpose of getting off. I'm not going to claim that there aren't aspects of this discipline relationship that can be sexually exciting. There is an element of eroticism embedded in it, but to call it purely a kink would be much too reductive. But, in fairness, my erotic inclination toward spanking likely paved the way for my preference for and comfort with this particular structure.

But when I am disciplined, it is real. Perhaps this is where I need to clarify my use of "domestic discipline" even more. There seems to be a general attitude in online domestic discipline groups that it is somehow "natural" that a woman submit, that she was "created to do so," and most annoyingly, "God commands her to submit." To me, this is all bunk. If I "submit" to my husband at all, it is by my own choosing, and for exclusively secular reasons.

In a way, what I call "domestic discipline" is, at its base, is no different from a healthy vanilla relationship, except for that it incorporates spanking. Ultimately, what discipline does for me in my relationship is keep lines of communication open at all times, and keeps me in a receptive frame of mind. Let me be clear: I love my husband more than I even know how to cope with at times. He is a good, honest, and loving man who deserves the best of everything in this world. I don't ever want to close my mind to his feelings or to his point of view. I want him to be very comfortable telling me what he thinks and feels at all times, even if he fears that it might hurt me. My hope is that, by telling my husband that he is free to discipline me with spanking, or however else he deems appropriate, that it opens the path for him to communicate freely with me. Instead of worrying that he shouldn't let me know something I did to upset him because it might hurt me, I want him to think, "Well, if she can take a spanking, then she can surely handle hearing my opinions."

This also helps me to stay in a receptive head space. There are days when the little annoying issues get to me. I start feeling like I do everything for him, and that he makes life a lot harder for me. He freely admits that he can be a difficult man to live with. My feelings aren't necessarily invalid, but that is beside the point. I don't want to allow those feelings to place a wedge between the two of us. Yeah, it is fine for me to grumble when I wipe up the huge mess he left on the kitchen counter again, but that's going to be as far as it goes. I'm free to tell him about my feelings, and he has always been receptive to them. But I will not allow myself to treat him poorly in any way, or fail to respect his feelings, merely because I'm annoyed by his sloppiness. I didn't marry him for his housekeeping skills. Knowing that I've given my consent for him to spank me if I'm disrespectful, or if I've broken one of the rules that we've agreed to, helps me to always stay mindful of my treatment of him, and of our relationship. When I fail to treat him as well as he deserves, it hurts me emotionally more than he could ever hurt me physically with a spanking. And the spanking, when it happens, helps us both to attune ourselves to each other's needs once more.

There are other benefits for me as well. Having this structure helps me to deal with my insecurities. I've always had a "good girl" complex. I fear mistakes. I don't mean that I dislike mistakes... I mean I fear them. They have an unlimited and unpredictable potential chain of consequences. Mistakes leave me feeling incredibly vulnerable. Having this discipline structure in place is like having guardrails on either side of my path. If I start behaving disrespectfully, or if I start to disregard the rules that we've mutually established, then the discipline helps me get back on track. It also means that I don't have to fear making a mistake unwittingly that could potentially hurt our marriage.

Last night, Red and I were discussing my need for discipline. When I break a rule and know I'm going to be punished, I tend to get very upset with myself. I generally cry.

Red asked, "doesn't it make it worse to have these rules, because it gives you more fear of the ways in which you could screw up?"

"No," I explained. "It makes it better. Without clear rules and consequences, I have no way of knowing where the limits are, when I've crossed them, or where the unpredictable negative consequences will end. If I know where the limits are, then I can do my best to steer clear of them. If I do screw up and break a rule, then the consequences are limited too. I get punished, and then I am forgiven." The rules may seem superficial at times, but they protect the really dangerous zones. If I get a spanking for having a temper tantrum, then I'm not even going to have a chance to come near becoming a heinous, uncaring bitch of a wife who is steering full speed ahead into divorce.

I have a very good thing with my husband. I want to treat it with care so that it will last for a lifetime. When I say things like, "I submit to my husband," it doesn't mean that I'm a mindlessly obedient wife. It means that I do everything I can to put his needs ahead of my own, and to love him in the way that he deserves. I know that he does the same thing for me.

So I guess, the best way I know how to say it is that when you add (my notions of) "domestic discipline" and my "punishment kink" together, what you end up with is "This Thing We Do."

Domestic Discipline vs. Punishment Kink

So, as a spanko who uses spanking for both erotic and disciplinary purposes, I'm always asked how a spanking can be punishment if I'm turned on by it. The question is certainly a reasonable one, and one for which I don't know if I have a full answer. But I can tell you from experience that spankings can be erotic, they can be punishment, and they can be erotic punishment.

Erotic spanking isn't something that I have to explain to most people, and certainly not to other spankos. The vulnerability and exposure to one's partner can be very sexy and exciting. The rubbing, and the wandering hands can certainly be arousing. Lighter swats and slower, firmer ones can provide wonderful stimulation. And the reason for it is simply that it feels good to us, it excites us, and it is a part of our love-making. It's all good... except the pain. I'm not a masochist. But the pain is usually necessary for much of the pleasurable aspects to occur. So it is worth it.

Erotic punishments are generally the same... many spankos play at punishments. Most of the spanking videos I've seen depict punishment scenarios. In personal scenes, a woman might don a schoolgirl uniform and bend over for her authoritative "instructor." My husband and I don't roleplay personally, but we still have erotic punishments... For example, if I playfully sass him, or tickle him, he'll certainly pull me over his lap and spank me - often quite hard. Once, he gave me a spanking with the remote control (the closest "impliment" at the time) that left me bruised and sore for a week.

The domestic discpline and punishment spankings are the trickier ones. The fact is, there are very few women who are willing to incorporate spankings as a form of discipline in their marriage (or discipline at all) if they are not first turned on by spankings. So is the whole discipline arrangement an elaborate kind of foreplay? Perhaps in an indirect way, yes. But punishment spankings are punishment. They are real and to be avoided. Ultimately, my husband and I are serious when it comes to discipline.

I've done a lot of thinking about this. There are all kinds of insecurities that come with a punishment kink. Most people have little reaction to a spanking fetish, but many people, spankos even, will think you're twisted if you get spanked for punishment. There are the constant, and generally unsuccessful attempts to explain it. Quite frankly, I'm tired of explaining it. Those who do not understand it will likely never understand it. And those who do may never be able to explain it, but they will also tell you that no matter how contradictory it may seem, it is real. It is what it is, and we've just got to struggle to come to terms with it.

But as for the erotic vs. discipline question... I'll give explaining it another shot.

Spankings hurt. Even the erotic spankings hurt. I am not sexually stimulated by pain. Therefore, it is not really the spanking itself that turns me on.* What does turn me on is the intimacy with my husband, the touching, the giggling, the teasing, and most of all, knowing that he is excited by me too. There is a special aspect of vulnerability to spanking that, for me, is an expression of love for my husband. It plays on a different set of difficult-to-describe emotions than intercourse. There is little, if any, power exchange play involved in intercourse. Sure, there is some vulnerability to it - you are naked and doing some very intimate touching - but ultimately, both partners are equal.

When I allow him to spank me, I am telling him physically that I trust him with my whole self. I am lying face down, and usually cannot easily see what he is doing... Now, for an abuse survivor like me, this is a huge deal - I'm taking a submissive, vulnerable posture. I'm at a physical disadvantage. I would not be able to defend myself well, should he choose to actually hurt me.** It is quite possibly the only time when I can honestly say, "I don't know what is going to happen next, I can't control it, and I'm okay with that." For me, that brings powerful emotions that I honestly cannot name. Partly, there is a sense of relief. It is the only time that I relax my defenses in any significant way. Another part is that it is incredibly healing to trust a man and have it turn out as a positive experience. But there is more to it than that that I don't know how to define.

Although I enjoy erotic spankings, I do not enjoy punishment spankings. They hurt. I feel badly that my husband is unhappy with me. More often than not, I cry. I'm embarrassed that I'm being punished. There is no sexual gratification involved with the spanking.

But there are positive aspects that, when taken all together, result in me being more relaxed, focused, and ultimately attracted to my husband (hence, the indirect arousal.)

First of all, there is the motif of cleansing, the journey from transgression to forgiveness. I've never been good at self-forgiving, so for me, that journey acts as a kind of instruction... I've done something for which I feel badly, I pay a price, and ultimately, I am forgiven. When I hurt a friend, I apologize to them, and hopefully they forgive me. But I have a bond with my husband that I've never had with anyone else. It hurts me much more deeply to know that I have hurt him. So making my way to forgiveness is a much steeper climb. The spanking is a climb we take together, that I ultimately feel brings us closer.

But being punished also makes me feel loved (I may not recognize it at the time, because I'm wallowing in my own misery, but ultimately, it does). To know that there is someone who loves me enough to pay attention to the things I do and step in, even against my will if necessary, and stop me from doing something destructive, is awesome. (I mean "awesome" in the literal sense, as something that inspires awe. Although it is "cool" too.) It is a powerful gesture for a man to make to risk rejection, or worse, criminal charges, by spanking me when I deserve it. To be worth that risk for someone... well, to me, I feel amazingly loved. It also tells me that he trusts me as much as I trust him.

Sure, you could argue that a crazy or abusive man would be equally willing to take that risk. You'd be right. But remember, we're only talking about my relationship with my husband, and our discipline relationship is something that we continually discuss and negotiate.

Ultimately, going through such a powerful experience (punishment) with my husband, becoming more connected with him, trusting him by placing myself physically in his hands, and having him trust me not to betray him... that is what leads to the sense of arousal. It is not the direct, physical, sexual stimulation of an erotic spanking, but it is an emotional arousal that results in a similar contented buzz. So, domestic discipline and the punishment kink are both present. They are not the same, but they are certainly connected.

Whew. I sure hope that makes sense. :)

*In case it isn't clear, all of this comes from my subjective experience. If you identify with it, great! If you think I'm wrong, that's cool too. To each their own. I'm not trying to speak from a place of authority. I have none. I am only trying to work through my own thoughts and feelings.
**This isn't actually a question - my husband would never abuse me in any way. I'm simply trying to say that willful vulnerability is not intuitive for an abuse survivor, or for any woman, for that matter. It has special significance.

Unspanked

I've gone unspanked, not including the occasional swat in passing, for a couple of months now. There have been plenty of reasons and opportunities for my husband to spank me. There have certainly been at least a few occasions when I deserved one. But I've remained unspanked.

There are a few reasons for this. The main reason is that my husband has been ill for about 10 months now. Nothing fatal, but it certainly makes life harder for both of us. His energy is drained most of the time, and when he does have energy, he generally has quite a bit of pain too. So his ability to spank has been severely limited.

There are other reasons too. My husband (who is RhodeIslandRed on the few forums he is on - so I'll call him "Red" from now on) and I are still negotiating our roles. When we began our relationship, we only used spanking for erotic purposes, and even then there was some negotiating and learning to be done. But things fell in place fairly easily considering.

Discipline is a whole different animal. For my husband, he questions his "right" to punish me. He, like most men, was taught not only to not hit women, but also to respect them as equals in all things. The "no hitting women" hurdle has probably been the easiest hurdle we've had to leap. Spanking, in our relationship, is consensual, so it is simply not the same thing as abuse.

But what gives him the right to punish me? Neither one of us buys into the Christian idea that women were made to submit to their husbands. I'm an ardent feminist, and I must admit, this "created to be his help meet" stuff makes me sick to my stomach. We came into our marriage as equals, we believe that we are equals, and we treat each other as equals. So why does he get to discipline me even though I do not get to discipline him?

The truth of the matter is that I don't really know. The only reason that he has the "right" is because I gave it to him. Our discipline arrangement is largely for my benefit, although it does benefit him as well. It makes me feel secure, although the reasons for this I haven't quite figured out yet. Perhaps I'll write a separate post about my thoughts on this.

Just because I've explicitly given him the right to discipline me when needed doesn't mean that he's necessarily comfortable with invoking this right when the situation calls for it... partly because we're still negotiating which situations call for it. I've told my husband that I trust him... we do have a few specific rules, but I've also put myself into his hands. He is allowed to punish me however he deems fit (this generally means a spanking, but not always), but he doesn't always know when he is really being reasonable in choosing to punish me. Sure, there are times when I fly off the handle and am disrespectful to him, but what about the extenuating circumstances? His illness has been a major stressor - he can hardly fault me for being tense about it. I've told him that I'm willing to take the risk of receiving an undeserved punishment. I'd rather that than go unpunished when I do deserve it. Still, I see how this is a difficult decision for him to make. He needs to feel comfortable that he's not abusing me. I am hoping that the longer we do this, the easier it will become for him.

As for me, I struggle with integrating my need for discipline with my beliefs and other aspects of my personality. As I've said, I'm an ardent feminist. I don't believe that the two are necessarily in opposition. I believe that feminism is about choice, and so long as I'm in this kind of relationship by choice, then it is not in conflict with my feminism. As an overall ideology, I'm quite comfortable with this.

The day-to-day details are what give me trouble. I'm still not completely sure where to draw the line between when to defer to Red, and when to assert myself. I'm the most comfortable when I submit to my husband, but there are certain issues in which I am simply the better decision maker. I've been the better financial manager. I used to handle all of our finances, but lately we've been making a point of going over our bills and budget together every month. This is not something that either one of us is comfortable with putting it entirely in his hands. On the other hand, he is much better with business issues, dealing with the taxes, creditors, he is the one who handled the writing of our wills, etc. Am I giving up too much control by allowing him to make decisions on credit card accounts on which I am the primary card holder?

One of my biggest insecurities, though, has to do with being an adult. I know it is a common insecurity for women who get spanked to worry that perhaps they are not being adults... I worry about this too. For me, it has a lot to do with my childhood. There was a lot of ugly abuse that went on, and I was held responsible for being an adult while the adults in my life behaved like children. I worry that perhaps I am being a child now because I couldn't be when I actually was a child. I do not want my husband put in the position of "raising" his wife. He married me to be my husband, not my father.

And speaking of fathers... my husband is old enough to be mine. Which just makes the insecurity even worse... I've been the butt of well-intended jokes about looking like his daughter. What if in some ways I really was looking for a father figure? I don't think I was... but how can I really be sure?

I'm sure there are even more reasons why this discipline arrangement is complicated, and I just haven't thought of them yet. Online there seem to be so many couples who have it all together. I can't help but wonder how they do it. I can't help but especially envy those who are comfortable enough to be extroverted about it. I would love to be able to establish closer friendships with other people who have similar relationships... but I just haven't been able to "come out" quite that far.