Sunday, December 16, 2007

Discipline and Eroticism

So, I tell myself that when I am disciplined, it is something separate, albeit marginally connected to, sex. Spankos who only use spanking for erotic purposes cannot seem to believe that spanking between adults can be anything other than sexual. I still believe that it is different.

However, they do clearly go hand-in-hand for me. For the past month, I've been trying to adjust to a new birth control. The old one had me feeling weepy and hormonal all of the time. During the time I was on it, I was desperate for discipline. The new birth control seems to have had the opposite effect on me. I do not feel at all submissive right now, do not feel the need to be submissive, and I have no interest in discipline. I also have very little interest in sex.

Like it or not, it seems that my need for discipline increases and decreases in direct proportion with my libido.

So, I clearly cannot claim that the two are completely separate. But when I'm being disciplined, there is so much going on that I simply do not associate with eroticism. I experience a lot of guilt and remorse. I frequently cry. I'm often scared and consumed by anxiety. I hate making mistakes. I can't say that I ever feel horny during these times.

However, when I'm over Red's knee getting the squirmy, fun kind of spanking, I end up practically humping his leg like a desperate puppy.

I was thinking a few nights ago about the connection between discipline and sex. The only explanation that I can offer right now is that the end results of both are extremely similar. After an orgasm, I feel completely relaxed, warm, and pleasantly sleepy. All of my cares are gone. I'm able to be in the moment, which is not something that I am frequently able to do.

Discipline is different than sex during the act, but the stress and catharsis of the event leaves me with a similar exhaustion. There are times when I feel the need to be punished, but I've done nothing wrong. I feel a bit crazy during these times. I hate being punished, so why do I feel such a strong need for it? Well, I suspect that it has something to do with the end result.

Sex and punishment are the only two circumstances wherein I surrender control of myself and my body. It is only when I stop trying to control things that I'm able to live in the moment and my other anxieties fade away. During sex, all of my sexual tension is released during climax. During punishment, all of my fear and stress is released. Both leave me feeling relaxed and refreshed.

I'm not sure I have any major point to make. I'm neither disputing nor affirming the claim that discipline is just sex in disguise. I'm just offering up some thoughts I've had recently for whatever they're worth.

Anyway, the month of December has been chaotic with holiday preparations. I may not post again until after the holidays are over, so I'd like to take this moment to wish you all the happiest of holidays.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Outted By My Husband

I'm still here. I apologize for not posting recently. Preparing for the holidays in addition to caring for Red has left me tired and a little depressed, which I generally cope with by being quiet and introverted.

On a good note, though, while the doctors still have not found a diagnosis, they have given Red some medicine that helps him cope with his pain. "This Thing We Don't" is "This Thing We Do" once more. Fortunately I've been good since Red told me that he was ready to be consistent with discipline, so I haven't been punished at all. During the time that we were not using a discipline structure, I started to think that maybe it was all about my libido after all. That what I think of as "security" is really all about having my sexual needs satisfied. But starting up again has dispelled that myth for me. As soon as I knew that consequences were back in place, I immediately relaxed and my obsession with spanking diminished back to its normal level.

Of course, there are times when I feel more submissive than others. When I am at my most submissive, I get frustrated that Red is not dominant enough. But Red surprised me recently by handing me a printed copy of this post by Angie at The Punishment Book.

"What's this for?" I asked him.

"This is just like you," he said. "You're not a real submissive either."

I scoffed. Of course I'm submissive. And if I'm not, it's his fault, I thought, for not being dominant enough.

"I am submissive," I protested.

"Right," Red snorted. "Except when you want to do things your way. God help me if I try to get in your way or tell you what to do then."

He had me there. I am frequently submissive. I'd love to be submissive all of the time, and I wish I were. I feel so relaxed and safe when I'm submissive. It seems like the Holy Grail to be able to stay in that mental space.

But I have to admit that there are times when I get it in my head to do something, and come hell or high water, I'm going to do it. There is no look, no tone of voice, and no paddle that could stop me from doing what I want.

Fortunately Red has never really tried to stop me from doing what I want to do when I'm like this, but I can't help but wonder what would happen if he did. I like to think that I would submit graciously.

But if I'm honest with myself... well, I'll just say that submission will probably be something that I have to work on for a long, long time.