Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I'm in a book

I'm in a book. I can't believe I forgot to mention that. It's called Being Virtual, by Davey Winder.

A while ago, maybe a year or so ago, someone posted on ASSville about their friend who was writing a book, who was interested in interviewing people from the group. So, I contacted Mr. Winder and ended up exchanging emails with him for a while. I was under the impression that there would be more spankos in the book, but I'm half way through reading it, and so far, I'm the only one.

I had a panicky moment when I realized that the book had been released. Contacting Mr. Winder was totally out of character for me. Although I insisted that he use a pseudonym for me in the book, I still felt like I outted myself to the world. Not to mention, I gave him a TON of personal information. I had completely trusted him to not hurt me... not something that I do easily.

But it paid off. Mr. Winder handled my portion of the story, as well as all the other stories that I've read so far, with grace, insight, and compassion. He didn't make me look like a twisted pervert. He even made me look at myself a bit differently, more gently.

He also made me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have an online community like this... The other bloggers and forum members with whom I established acquaintances have given me a great deal of comfort. You've all helped me feel like a "normal" person. You've helped me to see that I'm not alone in a world that tends to ignore people like me... I'm an introvert, an abuse survivor, a sexual deviant (for lack of a better term)... I don't easily make friends. I don't easily trust people.

So, thank you, to all of you who have reached out and made contact with me. It means more than you know.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Desperate Measures

As they say, "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

Various issues have kept Red and I from engaging in the kind of play, or the kind of discipline arrangement, that we both seem to want. I've gone back and forth between having a sense of humor about my frustrations and feeling totally hopeless and angry.

Back when I had a better sense of humor about the attention that I was not receiving, I made this tshirt:

Only to discover that Red was not wearing his glasses that day and could not read it.

Then, a couple weeks ago, Red and I were perusing our local Target store when I saw these:

and was reminded of this post, by Sparkle, in which she talks about using socks as a signal. I put the socks in the basket and quickly explained my thinking to Red. He agreed, apparently grateful to have some indication of when he should spank me.

I wore them the next day, for a couple of hours. I propped my feet up on the couch, and wiggled my feet when Red was near me. I swear he looked right at them once. But alas, they didn't work either. There was no spanking that evening, and when I later talked to Red about it, he explained that he simply hadn't noticed the socks.

I suppose it is for the best, though. Both times, I felt wrong about trying to signal him in that way. It is extremely important to me that I feel he is in control when he spanks me. I need to feel like it is his decision. Signalling feels like I'm topping from the bottom, which takes an important emotional element away for me.

Still, I feel like there are times when I need to be spanked. I wish there were some way that I could trigger a spanking without having to be in control of the situation.

Saturday, May 10, 2008


Again, I'm still here. I've been quiet lately. I don't exactly know why. I have been sort of depressed lately. Red's illness had been getting better but then worsened again lately. Nothing fatal or anything, but he's experiencing a lot of pain. We're working with pain doctors now to try to come up with something that can help to eliminate or at least manage his pain.

Honestly, though, I haven't been writing much because I just feel like I don't have anything useful to say. I don't want my blog readers to get bored by listening to me whine about my problems and my insecurities, so I've stayed quiet. There has been no spanking around here lately. Red and I have talked about it some, but I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't something that will work out for us in the long term.

My spanking mojo seems to have disappeared, as had any inkling of a desire I might have had to be submissive. Lately I've been frustrated as hell that I can't be the dominant one in this relationship. The other day I told Red from between clenched teeth, "Are you sure you don't want to be the submissive one in the relationship? Because I sure as hell can think of plenty of reasons to spank you." Frankly, if he isn't going to be dominant, then I just want him to do what he is told!

One of Red's issues is that he apparently can't think of any reasons to spank me. He can, apparently, think of plenty of reasons to be annoyed with me, but he never spanks for anything anymore. When he does want to spank, it seems like all he wants to do is play at it. As much as I love play spanking, lately it just grates on my nerves because I'm not getting what I need emotionally from it. I don't get any kind of emotional release from it. It doesn't make me feel submissive. It doesn't make me feel more connected to him. It just makes me feel like an ass to spank.

I get jealous sometimes when I read my favorite blog writers. I know you all have problems of your own. But I feel alone with my problems. I feel like Red and I have lost a major part of our connection. I haven't felt submissive in a long time. I haven't been properly spanked in a very long time. I hate myself because whenever I open my mouth (or my keyboard, actually), I end up sounding like a whiner, and I say negative things about Red. I don't want to bash Red. He's a good man.

But I find myself thinking... why can't we be more like Sara and Grant, or Sparkle and Chris?

What a terrible thing to think, when I have wonderful man at home. He's good to me. He's honest, honorable, and trustworthy. I really do love him so much. So, why am I so unhappy?

I'm ashamed of myself, and I don't like exposing the ugliness in my head to the world. But I know I've been MIA, and an email this morning from a fellow blogger made me realize that I probably should post something to let everyone know that I'm still alive.

I'm still alive.