Saturday, May 24, 2008

Desperate Measures

As they say, "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

Various issues have kept Red and I from engaging in the kind of play, or the kind of discipline arrangement, that we both seem to want. I've gone back and forth between having a sense of humor about my frustrations and feeling totally hopeless and angry.

Back when I had a better sense of humor about the attention that I was not receiving, I made this tshirt:

Only to discover that Red was not wearing his glasses that day and could not read it.

Then, a couple weeks ago, Red and I were perusing our local Target store when I saw these:

and was reminded of this post, by Sparkle, in which she talks about using socks as a signal. I put the socks in the basket and quickly explained my thinking to Red. He agreed, apparently grateful to have some indication of when he should spank me.

I wore them the next day, for a couple of hours. I propped my feet up on the couch, and wiggled my feet when Red was near me. I swear he looked right at them once. But alas, they didn't work either. There was no spanking that evening, and when I later talked to Red about it, he explained that he simply hadn't noticed the socks.

I suppose it is for the best, though. Both times, I felt wrong about trying to signal him in that way. It is extremely important to me that I feel he is in control when he spanks me. I need to feel like it is his decision. Signalling feels like I'm topping from the bottom, which takes an important emotional element away for me.

Still, I feel like there are times when I need to be spanked. I wish there were some way that I could trigger a spanking without having to be in control of the situation.


Serenity Everton said...

Heh. You'll notice in that post that *I* didn't get spanked either!

Does he have a PDA or personal calendar? Try pencilling yourself in somewhere... Make it far enough (a few days) away that you don't precisely remember the hour. And um, try for a time when he's not usually busy with other stuff. :)

Once (before DD) I put little sticky notes all over his desk, in the nightstand, in the underwear drawer... that said "If you find this, spank me." I never knew quite when he'd find one... it took months.


Jigsaw Analogy said...

it is a really hard situation to be in. because, yeah, it's all well and good for people to say "if you need a spanking, just *ask* for one." but if you need the kind of spanking where it's not under your control, then it's difficult to achieve that by asking for it (aside from the bratting that emerges, not under intentional control, that is often considered "asking for it.")

with me and w, it has helped to have a very specific set of rules, and for her to realize that, by and large, i'm feeling better if i'm getting spanked when i need it. and when i'm feeling better, then i'm better able to do things that make *her* feel better.

i feel a little guilty about that, because ideally, i'd like to do more for her whether or not my own needs are being met. but the fact is, it's not a "i won't be nice to you unless you do what i say" kind of situation. it's more like "if i'm feeling bad, i'm not able to help you" kind of thing.

so maybe an email, or a talk, explaining what's going on with you, and why you need this from him? and maybe if you could ask what would help *him* to feel more able to meet your needs? it takes a lot of work, but eventually, things can be worked out (or they can't, and you come to a different resolution... but if both people care about each other, there's usually a way of finding out how to meet each other's needs.)

Anonymous said...

Rose, I think it comes down to accepting the reality that he cannot know what you do not communicate. This is most true when he has not yet been educated, by you, in your relatively newer feelings about spanking. Telling him how you feel is not the same as controlling the spanking. In fact, in a way, sitting back and NOT saying what you feel, when you do know, is as controlling (withholding) as anything, unintentionally, I am sure. If he is not a spanko, and thus does not feel the need on his own to spank you, he either needs to schedule something as Sparkle suggests, or you need to tell him. Sit and talk. There are lots of ways he can take over once he realizes your feelings. When I tell Grant that I feel I am in need of attention, he decides when and how to respond to those feelings, the time, place, implements, intensity. Why don't you try that, and also give Red the chance to work out how to do things in such a way that it does make you feel YOU have not orchestrated it all. It will take time for him to make this his own, to get into the swing, pun intended, and it is only fair to him (and to yourself) to offer him the time and information he needs to be able to better meet your needs. I am sure he wants to do that, but just does not yet know how.

Hermione said...

LOL - I love the shirt.

About the socks, men just don't notice things like that!


Jigsaw Analogy said...

About the socks, men just don't notice things like that!

Not just men. Heck, I have trouble remembering what *I* am wearing. I'd have trouble really noticing something subtle like socks (except when I do, of course....)