Saturday, May 10, 2008


Again, I'm still here. I've been quiet lately. I don't exactly know why. I have been sort of depressed lately. Red's illness had been getting better but then worsened again lately. Nothing fatal or anything, but he's experiencing a lot of pain. We're working with pain doctors now to try to come up with something that can help to eliminate or at least manage his pain.

Honestly, though, I haven't been writing much because I just feel like I don't have anything useful to say. I don't want my blog readers to get bored by listening to me whine about my problems and my insecurities, so I've stayed quiet. There has been no spanking around here lately. Red and I have talked about it some, but I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't something that will work out for us in the long term.

My spanking mojo seems to have disappeared, as had any inkling of a desire I might have had to be submissive. Lately I've been frustrated as hell that I can't be the dominant one in this relationship. The other day I told Red from between clenched teeth, "Are you sure you don't want to be the submissive one in the relationship? Because I sure as hell can think of plenty of reasons to spank you." Frankly, if he isn't going to be dominant, then I just want him to do what he is told!

One of Red's issues is that he apparently can't think of any reasons to spank me. He can, apparently, think of plenty of reasons to be annoyed with me, but he never spanks for anything anymore. When he does want to spank, it seems like all he wants to do is play at it. As much as I love play spanking, lately it just grates on my nerves because I'm not getting what I need emotionally from it. I don't get any kind of emotional release from it. It doesn't make me feel submissive. It doesn't make me feel more connected to him. It just makes me feel like an ass to spank.

I get jealous sometimes when I read my favorite blog writers. I know you all have problems of your own. But I feel alone with my problems. I feel like Red and I have lost a major part of our connection. I haven't felt submissive in a long time. I haven't been properly spanked in a very long time. I hate myself because whenever I open my mouth (or my keyboard, actually), I end up sounding like a whiner, and I say negative things about Red. I don't want to bash Red. He's a good man.

But I find myself thinking... why can't we be more like Sara and Grant, or Sparkle and Chris?

What a terrible thing to think, when I have wonderful man at home. He's good to me. He's honest, honorable, and trustworthy. I really do love him so much. So, why am I so unhappy?

I'm ashamed of myself, and I don't like exposing the ugliness in my head to the world. But I know I've been MIA, and an email this morning from a fellow blogger made me realize that I probably should post something to let everyone know that I'm still alive.

I'm still alive.


Jigsaw Analogy said...

That's a toughie.

One thing that's helped with my and W's spanking dynamic is me telling her, as clearly as I can, exactly what it is the spankings do for me, and how much they help me to feel balanced and secure.

It's also helped to have clearly defined rules, with clearly defined punishments. So she doesn't have to decide whether she thinks something merits a punishment: if I break a rule, I get a consequence. And we've added a couple of rules that are there pretty much solely so I can break them if I need a punishment (in my case, one of them is journaling, because I've noticed that when I'm really needing a spanking, I don't journal as often... but it's not something that affects W at all.)

Just some thoughts.

Maybe Red should pop over to This Thing We Do and chat a little with W (aka "Reluctant Top") about the top's end of things. It strikes me that they have some similar feelings going on.

And for the record, it doesn't sound to *me* like you're bashing Red. It sounds to me like you're feeling frustrated and upset, and trying to work out ways of improving your relationship.

Anonymous said...

Rose, I am glad you posted and sorry to hear how sad you are. I agree with j.a. that you need to talk to Red. Our guys want to make us happy. Sometimes they don't understand how. Then it is up to us, yes, for the 100th time, to try to explain what we need. That makes us feel way too vulnerable, and yet, it is what it talks.

I have noted before your comment that you really do not do anything to "deserve" to be spanked. I do not consider myself a person who does a whole lot wrong, frankly. Yeah I have my moments of temper or attitude, but the truth is we together talked about first things that we wanted to change in our interactions, like not cursing or raising my voice. Then there were a few things I wanted "help" with that he agreed should happen, like regular exercise, and in time, over several years, Grant is ever more comfortable asking of me what HE wants. This is a process. Start with 3 things that you agree could not should be handled with a discipline spanking. Explain to him that you have a need to feel punished when you mess up with these 3 things, and what he has been doing recently is not getting you there. You have to be that direct. He has to learn what makes you FEEL disciplined, responded to.

As to Red not thinking there is anything he "wants" to spank you for, it seems pretty clear he is not getting that this is YOUR need. If you asked him to touch you a certain way during sex, and he did not feel inclined, that would be OK, but then he would understand that you would not feel responsive. I think a spanking relationship is no different than that. You need this. Tell him again. Try different ways, be more explicit, explain that you feel depressed, hopeless, neglected. He surely does not get that his lack of participation is bringing that on.

The other thing I hear in your post is not only a disappointment but the beginnings of a ;lack of respect. I am not saying this to chastise you but rather to point out that it is natural, when you are wired this way, when your man has agreed to take the lead and does not, that these are the consequences. Somehow, without being awful to this man you clearly love, you need to communicate that you need this to feel as much respect for him in the relationship as he deserves, and that it will have relationship consequences if he cannot take the reins. Your comment that you might as well be in charge is where I was for years. We did not become the Grant and Sara you see here over night. We have been doing this for almost 3 yrs, and have had lots of ups and downs. The one thing we did do, was not quit. We went back to the bedroom to talk countless times..and I mean to TALK not spank. The spanking relationship grew slowly and sometimes painfully out of bearing our souls to each other.

I wish you the best. Go give your man a hug and tell him how you feel! Sara

Jigsaw Analogy said...

chiming back in...

what w gets out of this, more than anything else, is the fact that i am more balanced and calm. the reason she's committed, and has really made great strides in assertiveness and consistency with our rules, is that the benefit she reaps is that i am better able to hold up my end of the relationship when she provides discipline.

it's not a direct thing. she gets nothing from the spanking itself. but she gets a LOT from me being more balanced. (really, red would do well to talk to her, because this would most likely be clearer without trying to relay it in a game of telephone. ;) )

Hermione said...

Hi Rose,

I'm glad you're still here.

As far as being jealous of other bloggers, or wishing your relationship could be like theirs, well, it's easy to fall into that trap. But you can't really know what goes on in a relationship 24/7. We readers see only what the blogger wants us to see. that can be deceptive.


Serenity Everton said...

Rose dear,

I haven't posted on my blog in three weeks. I'm not exactly a model blogger.

I haven't felt like or wanted intense physical play for several weeks, and that's unusual for me. Our kinks differ, and sometimes I want... *yearn*, *need* ... an intensity and an experience that Chris just doesn't have the interest or knowledge or desire to provide.

I think that couples don't have equivalent sexual identities or complementary comfort levels with power exchange (whether it's expressed in a vanilla way or a DD way or a D/s way, etc). We (people in general) mate with each other based on a combination of factors, sexuality being one of them, and thus while our sexual relationships and leader/follower tendencies may be a *good* fit, they're probably not perfect.

I wish there were mediators/therapists out there for couples like us. But instead, all we have are each other, and unfortunately it's too easy to say "look at them, they're doing it right", because what "they" are doing is right for them, but probably not exactly right for you.

It's also easy to fall into the trap of saying "look at us, we're doing it right". That's a failure too... I try not to do that, but if I do, feel free to be dominant and (virtually) smack me.

I agree completely with Sara that your post reflects not just sadness but the intimations of and beginning of a loss of trust and respect. It seems that, from your perspective and words, he made a commitment to you regarding discipline and that he's failing in that role - and refusing to acknowledge it. I know this is often a problem in relationships where DD is introduced after the relationship begins - especially when the bottom partner NEEDS discipline and (ugh) supervision more than the top partner is naturally inclined to provide. Certainly Chris and I had some spectacular failures early on, and we decided several times that he couldn't be my disciplinarian or that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be submissive in the relationship before time would pass and something would happen and we'd both agree to try again. He often told people he wasn't a disciplinarian and could never be (oh, how times change) and spanking play/games were the extent of our kinkiness until well after the princess was born. He still steps back quite often and lets me manage things - even my own confessions and requests for punishment - as I couldn't function well where I mostly can't control the environment.

But you and Red are different from us and you need to work with him to find out how to make it work between you. That means a lot of talking where both of you have to open up (again, Sara said it). Maybe he's really just unwilling to engage with you on this journey at this time - pain, depressions, whatever. In this case, you can't really do anything but accept his wishes and not pretend to have a disciplinary relationship, but work on being emotionally and intimately close in a way that is pleasing to both of you. Maybe he thinks of spanking as something to do for "big things" like buying a car without consulting him first, and not little everyday ones like not getting enough sleep or reckless spending. Or maybe he needs you to help him identify the things you get spanked for and to set the rules that you are comfortable with at first, as Jigsaw Analogy says, so that he simply has to enforce them and is not legislator, judge and jury.

It's all very hard, isn't it?