Sunday, December 9, 2007

Outted By My Husband

I'm still here. I apologize for not posting recently. Preparing for the holidays in addition to caring for Red has left me tired and a little depressed, which I generally cope with by being quiet and introverted.

On a good note, though, while the doctors still have not found a diagnosis, they have given Red some medicine that helps him cope with his pain. "This Thing We Don't" is "This Thing We Do" once more. Fortunately I've been good since Red told me that he was ready to be consistent with discipline, so I haven't been punished at all. During the time that we were not using a discipline structure, I started to think that maybe it was all about my libido after all. That what I think of as "security" is really all about having my sexual needs satisfied. But starting up again has dispelled that myth for me. As soon as I knew that consequences were back in place, I immediately relaxed and my obsession with spanking diminished back to its normal level.

Of course, there are times when I feel more submissive than others. When I am at my most submissive, I get frustrated that Red is not dominant enough. But Red surprised me recently by handing me a printed copy of this post by Angie at The Punishment Book.

"What's this for?" I asked him.

"This is just like you," he said. "You're not a real submissive either."

I scoffed. Of course I'm submissive. And if I'm not, it's his fault, I thought, for not being dominant enough.

"I am submissive," I protested.

"Right," Red snorted. "Except when you want to do things your way. God help me if I try to get in your way or tell you what to do then."

He had me there. I am frequently submissive. I'd love to be submissive all of the time, and I wish I were. I feel so relaxed and safe when I'm submissive. It seems like the Holy Grail to be able to stay in that mental space.

But I have to admit that there are times when I get it in my head to do something, and come hell or high water, I'm going to do it. There is no look, no tone of voice, and no paddle that could stop me from doing what I want.

Fortunately Red has never really tried to stop me from doing what I want to do when I'm like this, but I can't help but wonder what would happen if he did. I like to think that I would submit graciously.

But if I'm honest with myself... well, I'll just say that submission will probably be something that I have to work on for a long, long time.


Anonymous said...

Rose, glad to see you 'back'! Join the club of non-submissive, submissive wives. This whole thing is a journey of self discovery, that's for sure. Sara

Jigsaw Analogy said...

As someone who is definitely non-submissive (except for when I am...), I can say that what I'm looking for is not so much dominance as strength. I want to know not so much that W can dominate me, as that she has the strength to stand up to me.

And I'm very glad that the reinstatement of discipline in your house has left you feeling more relaxed and calm. Isn't that the point of it, anyways?

Good luck to both of you, and I hope they figure out what's up with Red *very* soon.

Serenity Everton said...

I read this idea somewhere else, it's not my own but I think it's apt. (Maybe kaya?)

In whatever form our non-vanilla non-equal non-standard relationships take, we have to stand up for them to keep them intact and thriving - emotionally, physically, sometimes verbally and often in the written word. It would often be easier to just let things go and decide to do everything on our own, to be fully emotionally independent... particularly when our partners are at a different point in the ebb-and-flow of needs and desires than we are.

To succeed, it takes a little bit of courage, even stubbornness. It's a paradox, I know, but we can't succeed at being submissive unless we have the internal fortitude.

And, let's face it, we can't be submissive all of the time, nor can our partners be dominant all of the time (even the type A ones). Frankly, topping & bottoming can both be exhausting. It requires focus and attention to detail and not-a-little energy.

Submissive headspace is fantastic, lovely, the Holy Grail of play, but it's not always conducive to leading a productive and fulfilling life unless you have the luxury of living without other responsibilities.

Anyway, I'd describe myself as a submissive, a submissive wife, etc. But there's no way this is a single description of *me* or that I am always "Yes, sir" or "No, sir" or "Here's your beer, chilled to perfection in a glass, and ready just when you want it" kind of girl. That only happens like... one hour a month ;). Just to remind him I can.