Thursday, March 12, 2009

To DD, or Not To DD

I should start this by admitting that there are numerous holes in my logic, and I'm feeling incredibly frustrated and therefore I'm somewhat irrational. I know that. Having gotten that out of the way, here is what is going on.

It has been a very rotten health month for both Red and me. Red still has his illness, and I've been diagnosed not only with hypothyroidism, but also neurocardiogenic syncope. That's a fancy medical term for "faints frequently." I had a tilt table test about a week ago which I "failed" spectacularly. Not only did I pass out remarkably fast, but I had almost no warning signs (such as nausea, or something like that).

I've been fainting fairly regularly. I figure it is because of stress. The doctor gave me medicine to help stop the fainting, but the side effects were even worse than the fainting, so I had to stop taking it. In the mean time, I'm not supposed to be driving. The doctor said nothing about not doing other things, but Red is with me regularly, so I haven't been allowed to do much.

I am absolutely crawling out of my skin. The weather is finally getting nicer, and I am absolutely DYING to pull down my Christmas lights, but Red would pop a vessel if he caught me on a ladder. I've been trying to get smaller things done around the house, but I've fallen over several times from dizziness. It seems that this past week the only thing I've been able to do is sit on the sofa and watch television.

Red has been doing his best to deal with his illness and has been working his sick butt off to please his clients who are all clammoring for his help. I suppose we are fortunate that his business is increasing as so many others are experiencing a decrease in business. We're struggliing with bills, particularly medical bills, so we can't afford to turn away the work. But I'm having a really difficult time with the lack of attention. His energy goes either to dealing with his illness or dealing with his work. It seems to me that he only finds time enough for me when he is telling me not to do something.

There has been no spanking. There has been very little intimacy. I feel absolutely useless to my poor husband and I'm going NUTS because I can't seem to do anything to help. But I know that if I exert myself much I'm likely to faint or at least lose my balance and fall over.

The thing is, as much as I know Red is right in telling me not to do this or that, I really REALLY don't want to listen to him. And if DD in our marriage is only going to mean that he gets to boss me around and I have to listen to him without getting any of my emotional needs met, then I really want no part of it. I definitely do not want a divorce, so please don't think that is where I'm going with what I'm about to say... It's just that I've been thinking a lot lately about how much easier it was when I was single. I got to do my own thing, make all my own decisions, and somehow I managed to survive just fine. Why is it now that I'm married and have a partner to "support" me that I feel so damn unstable?

2 comments:

Jigsaw Analogy said...

i don't have much that's useful to say, but i wanted to write and say that i appreciate this post.

Why is it now that I'm married and have a partner to "support" me that I feel so damn unstable?

my experience with this is that having a partner you can trust (at least to a degree) disrupts one's ability to ignore one's emotional needs. so they come more strongly, because there is someone there who can meet them.

illness totally sucks. totally and completely. i'm sorry you and red are going through this.

if i figure out a solution to getting one's needs met in spite of the things life throws at us, i'll totally let you know. in the meanwhile, you've got my sympathies and wishes that something will ease up soon. hugs.

Sara said...

Rose, saorry this took me a while to comment on...

"And if DD in our marriage is only going to mean that he gets to boss me around and I have to listen to him without getting any of my emotional needs met, then I really want no part of it."

I think that sounds pretty basic, and who of us gals wouldn't feel that way? Illness complicates things hugely. But of course, this is just the time when you may most need the reassurance of his love and attention in a way that goes to your heart, which for us spankos seems to be through our butts. Of course you should not be considering divorce silly. You love the man! You should, however, tell him the down and dirty of how you are feeling. If it were me, and talking did not work, I might end up working myself up into a tantrum and get that spanking one way or another, but I think that is not your style. It's up to the two of you to find a way. Work with what you have to make your marriage be the best it can be for yourselves, which means your needs have to be met. Talk to him Rose!.