_____ and Punishment

I hope that this post makes sense. Not only am I confused about the topic myself, but I'm awake earlier than I should be thanks to a kitten who decided that nibbling on my fingertips was an absolutely irresistible idea.

I've had this internal debate going on in my head for a while. Sometimes I wonder if spanking is a healthy thing for me. The thing is, I have this guilt that builds up in me that is unattached to any real crime. I'm not sure where this comes from except for a desire to be perfect that I cannot possibly fulfill.

Sometimes, an intense desire to be punished creeps up inside of me. When I tell Red how I feel, he always asks me if I've done something wrong. I never really have an answer to that... Oh, it's a bunch of things. Maybe I ought to have stayed awake just a little bit longer the day before so that I could have unloaded the clean dishes from the dishwasher. Or maybe I forgot to return a phone call to someone. Little things that happen more because I'm human than because I'm bad.

I've heard that so many people experience guilt relief after they've been punished. I can't say that I ever have. I'm not sure if this is because I'm a black hole of guilt and no amount of punishment could ever balance it out. Or maybe because Red never really punishes me, so I can't reach that elysium.

Red tends to shy away from punishing me for a few reasons. The main one being that he is afraid of reinforcing my unreasonable guilt. He doesn't want it to be an affirmation to me that I am "bad." He also has trouble getting upset with the things that I feel guilty over because he believes that I am just being too hard on myself.

I get angry with him sometimes over this. A while ago I asked him, "Are you waiting for me to murder someone?" I am generally a good girl. I can't help that. And I don't feel like I should be forced to purposely do something bad in order to be punished. I've been tempted, but I just can't bring myself to do so. So, I'm left unable to experience whatever benefits punishment might ultimately offer.

On the other hand, I share his fear. My guilt is so bad now... What if it got worse as a result of punishment? What if he punishes me just as hard as he safely can, and I just end up feeling more guilty than before because now he thinks I'm bad too?

Is there a guiltless elysium waiting for me just on the other side of a thorough punishment? Is there relief to be reached on the other side of all these raging emotions?

I've grown up feeling like I needed to put a cork on my emotions because life was already too unpredictable and I couldn't afford to rock the boat (which was already leaking and sinking quite fast). Sometimes it makes a hell of a lot of sense to me that I'd feel so much better if I could safely allow all of this fear and anger and guilt (reasonable or not) to come flooding out of me, and that I'd be so much safer in doing so with Red's support. It would be a new experience to have someone there who would love me and take care of me through all that.

On the other hand, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am an endless pit of anxieties and ugly feelings and no matter how much pours out of me, there will always be that much and more still there.

Is it really even fair to ask Red to take all that on?

Testing?

Ok, I'm still fairly new to blogging so I could be doing something very very stupid...

I've posted comments on others' blogs today, but when trying to post a comment on my own to reply to someone else's, it isn't letting me! I'm wondering now if it'll let me post a regular post. If anyone knows what the heck is up with this, please let me know.

ARGH!

Well, sorry for the boring post, but I'm trying to figure this thing out. Oh, and I guess just so that I can save the text of this response somewhere, I'll stick it on the bottom of this for now.

In regards to comments on "Men in Uniform:"

Sparkle and Chris,

Please forgive me for taking so long to respond to this... my own embarrassment over it has made it difficult.

Sparkle - I'm utterly tickled that out of 741 posts, my blog stood out enough to be worth a read through. That made my day. :)

Chris - Thank you for your understanding. This little issue of mine has been particularly concerning to me because I've recently learned that my neice is also afraid of firemen. A fireman came to her school and she was fine when he was out of uniform, but had a meltdown when he put his uniform on. Also, she's autistic, and from what I've heard, a lot of autistic children tend to hide in closets and under beds during house fires because all of the chaos is too overstimulating to them. So it is really really important to me that she knows to run toward a fireman instead of away. So I know that I need to get this problem under control NOW. How can I help teach her not to be afraid when I so clearly am?
Anyway, thanks to you both. :)

Rose

Kinky or Vanilla?

So, Red and I had house guests this past week, who just left this morning to return home. Our guests were a man who has been one of Red's best friends for about twenty years now (whom I will call "A."), and his wife (whom I will call "M.").

As far as we know, this couple is entirely vanilla, so before they arrived I carefully made sure that our toys were all put away and out of sight. After having spent the past week with these people, Red and I are left wondering whether our discretion was really necessary.

On separate occasions over the course of the week, Red and I each witnessed A. deliver a playful spanking to M. When I witnessed it, M., who is much smaller than A., was climbing onto A.'s lap. He was sitting in our recliner chair, and she is tiny, so it took a little effort on her part to do this. Before she could sit down, A. wrapped his arm around her, pulled her OTK (well, OTL, really) and delivered several firm (but not really hard) swats to her bottom. She wiggled and whined, and he let her up. And that was that.

Apparently Red witnessed a similar event later in the week, as well as being a part of an interesting exchange in a local store. Red took them both to a local Walmart-type store to do some shopping. As they were walking through the kitchen section, A. apparently pulled a spatula down from the display.

"Do you know how I know this is a good spatula?" A. asked Red.

"No... how?" Red asked.

A. slapped the spatula hard against his hand. M. jumped and again protested. A. laughed and put the spatula away.

Things like this, along with some other general toppiness that occurred, has both Red and I wondering if these people are spankos (or at least the guy, anyway).

So, what do you all think? What clues do you look for to tell whether someone is kinky or vanilla?

Vanilla Spankings: Part 3

So, during my senior year of high school and freshman year of college, one of my closest friends was dating a guy whom I will call C. C was very tall and very slender - the kind of guy who, even though he was much bigger than me, I simply couldn't see as physically imposing because he looked like he was all skin and bone. I spent quite a bit of time with my friend and C, during which I learned that there was definitely more to him than skin and bone.

During this time, my favorite way to deal with stress and insomnia was to go for long walks. It didn't matter to me what the weather was like, or what time it was. When I felt I needed to walk, I walked.

C hated that I did this. In fact, Red hates that I do this too. It seems that I most want to walk when I can't sleep at night. Only last night I was told that there was NO WAY that he was going to let me go out for a walk in the middle of the night. He said it in that grumpy voice that makes me think I'd better listen.

I remember one weekend night I'd gone out for a walk. It was sometime around midnight or 1 a.m. C was driving home from his job as a dishwasher at a restaurant and happened to spot me. He slowed his truck to a crawl and barked at me through the open passenger-side window.

"I'm fine, C," I called to him, trying to wave him off.

Suddenly the truck was parked and I walked into a wall of C. My nose literally hit his chest. Suddenly I was airborne. He'd lifted me off my feet and tried to put me into the passenger seat of his truck. I struggled, and got a hard smack on the behind for my efforts.

"What the hell was that?!?!" I remember asking. He'd slapped my butt so hard that I thought he'd managed to make a paddle materialize out of nowhere. But it was just his bony hand. My butt ached for a while from just that one smack.

I remember that he scolded me the whole way home and made veiled threats about what would happen if he ever caught me out walking by myself after dark again. I pouted and tried to argue, but didn't push my luck.

Later, after I complained to my friend about what a Neanderthal her boyfriend had been, she confided that he'd spanked her once after she'd done something he found particularly frustrating.

I suppose that C is probably a spanko, though that was the last time my friend ever mentioned having been spanked. He was certainly always a toppy kind of guy. But I guess I'll never be sure about him though.

Vanilla Spankings: Part 2

My memories of high school and my antics with my friends are a blur of random ass-slappings. No proper spankings, mind you, but one or two of these events had a similar feel.

I can't say I was a part of the in-crowd. I wasn't really a part of the out-crowd either. I spent most of my time in the fine arts department, participating in extra-curricular activities. I was in theatre and in multiple choirs. The other students were a mixture from all different cliques, with the exception of jocks because their practice times always conflicted with the practice times in fine arts. So I was friends with almost everyone in high school. I can't really remember having any enemies. If I wasn't friends with a particular student, it was only because our conflicting schedules kept us from getting to know each other.

The fine arts department was a particularly friendly place at my school, as I recall. I've even continued to be friends with the teachers from that department. Anyhow, my point is that within my circle of friends, we were all fairly free with our bodies. It was not unusual to receive a random goose from someone in passing. A bunch of horny teenagers, we were.

I couldn't possibly recount all of the ass-slappings that occurred during my high school years. There are a few that stand out in my mind, though.

I remember rehearsing a scene on stage after school with a few other friends. I was always extremely afraid of being on stage, so silliness became a method of coping with my anxiety. My friend Brandon was good to me though. He was very comfortable on stage, so he made sure that we were always paired together in theatre class. He became my support system in the class and coached me through each scene to help me feel as comfortable as possible. Anyhow, during this one rehearsal period, we'd let the silliness get out of hand. It was around 6pm, so we'd been rehearsing for more than three hours for a scene that was supposed to be less than ten minutes long. I was giggling with a girlfriend of mine who was also in the scene, when all of the sudden I felt a sharp slap on my bottom.

"Pay attention," Brandon growled. And with that, I was completely focused again.

I also had other male friends who were frustratingly chivalrous. Now, in my late twenties, I recognize chivalry for what is is, and most of the time I think it is sweet even when I think it is annoying. Back then, however, I just found it annoying.

Again, in the theatre, I was working after school to prepare for a play. I was carrying a large box of props back to the prop room. My friend Jason appeared next to me and tried to take the box from me.

"I can do it myself," I protested.

"That box is too heavy," he insisted. "You're going to hurt yourself."

I rolled my eyes. He slapped my backside and took the box from me.

"Bully," I muttered after him.

You know, now that I'm writing about this, a bunch more examples are coming back to me. I don't know if perhaps I was somehow releasing spanko pheromones wherever I went, or if I just attended a school full of spankos. Or perhaps I just frustrate everyone around me into becoming temporary spankers.

Red would probably think it is the latter. But then, he's a bully too. :)

Vanilla Spankings: Part 1

A recent Sunday Brunch at My Bottom Smarts got me thinking about this topic. I've decided to break this post up into parts because I know I tend to be extremely long-winded. I really am trying to be more reader-friendly. :)

Bonnie cites a statistic from the game show The Power of Ten that says that 13% of Americans admit to having been spanked as adults. Participants in the brunch discussed their scepticism about the accuracy of the statistic and the variability in the definition of what constitutes a spanking.

This made me think of my experiences as a teenager and an adult. I've been threatened with spankings multiple times by people who I believed to be vanilla, and who did not know that I am a spanko. Most threats were never followed through on, but only because I managed to wiggle out of the situation somehow.

I am generally a good girl, but somehow I manage to frustrate people enough that they threaten to spank me. I've often wondered if somehow my spanko thoughts are being broadcasted to others without my knowledge.

One of the first examples that spring to mind was when I was eighteen years old. I was a senior in high school, and I was very active in extra-curricular activities. I'd been injured in a car accident so badly that I could barely move. I had severe back pain. My doctor had ordered me to take at least a week off of school and spend the time in bed recovering. I refused. I simply had too many important things to do. So I forced my way through my usual activities.

At an after-school meeting, I was working away diligently on a project when a teacher and one of the mothers approached me and insisted that I go home. I argued that I was perfectly fine and didn't need to rest. The mother then looked me dead in the eye and said, "If you don't go home and rest right now, I'm going to put you over my lap and spank you." Shocked, I stared at her for a moment and then decided that she couldn't be serious. I was a student, so she couldn't spank me. More importantly, I was an adult, and you can't spank an adult... right?

So I ignored her and went back to what I was doing. A little while later she spotted me working and came charging down the hallway after me with a look on her face that I hope I never see again. I hobbled away as quickly as my wounded body would carry me. I hid behind a friend of mine who was a football player and begged him to protect me. He scooped me up over his shoulder and carried me out of the building, and put me into the driver's seat of the car that I'd borrowed from my mother. He told me that if I didn't go home right then that he wouldn't protect me from the spanking next time. I decided to believe him and drove home.

That certainly was not the last time I was threatened with spankings. It always freaks me out, though, when someone other than my husband brings up the "s" word. I can't help but worry... do I have a neon "spanko" sign on my forehead?

Men in Uniform

I apologize for being off the radar lately. I've been in a bit of a funk, and frankly I have not been feeling the least bit interesting lately. Even when it occurs to me to talk to people, call a friend, or whatever, I have not been able to come up with a single thing to say. So, I've stayed quiet.

I learned something about myself yesterday that I've been mulling over, and I thought perhaps it might have a place on this blog. It isn't really about spanking (well, maybe it is, but only marginally), so if you're here for spanking, skip this entry and go down to my last post.

A few weeks ago I got a traffic ticket. I made a turn in a residential area that I did not know was prohibited. In fairness, it should not be prohibited because there is absolutely no reason for it to be. I was pulled over. I gave the officer my license and registration, which he took back to his car to check. When he returned, he handed them back and said, "Your driving record is impeccable." He then proceeded to apologize for having to give me a ticket for such a ludicrous thing (even he thought it was), but apparently the residents had been bitching and his hands were tied. "If you have time, call and schedule an appointment with the District Court to fight this. It'll be taken off your record." I thanked him, and did just that.

My hearing was yesterday. I should not have been nervous. There was no reason for me to be - the cop himself told me that he would speak to the prosecutor for me. But I was terrified. So much so that I only managed to sleep for a couple hours the night before.

There are times when I think I have two of me inside my mind. One half of me is perfectly logical and rational. This is the me I wish I could be all of the time. But then, there is also the other half. This is the hysterical me, the one who embodies all of my fears and phobias, the one who overanalyzes and reads way too much into everything. This is also the me that controls all of the responses that I have to things which I don't understand. This is the me who was up all night worrying for reasons I could not explain.

Sitting in the courtroom the next day, with Red by my side, Rational Me kept trying to convince Irrational Me that there was no reason to fear. Irrational Me was bouncing up against the sides of my skull trying to flee for her life. Rational Me had plenty of evidence to support her position. Irrational Me had none. Still, Irrational Me was the dominant one at the moment.

I've mentioned in the past that I'm a rape survivor. I've also talked about how rape didn't traumatize me in and of itself, but was traumatic because it taught me lessons that I was not prepared to know. As a child I'd been taught that there are people in this world who can always be trusted to protect you. Both cops and firemen had been to my elementary school to talk to us about what to do in emergencies - don't talk to strangers, stop drop and roll, call 911, and all of that. I trusted them implicitly.

Once the police found out about the rapes, I learned differently. Most of the professionals I encountered were not outwardly mean to me (with the notable exception of my rapist's defense attorney), but I did learn that protecting me was not even on their radar screens. I no longer trusted the police officers who came to help me, the judge who heard the case, and certainly not the lawyers involved.

I don't know if all children think this way, but I am learning that as a child, and even as an adult sometimes, I thought categorically. I didn't just stop trusting those police officers, I stopped trusting all police officers. Actually, I stopped trusting all of the people whom I'd been taught to trust. They were now all unknown and unpredictable entities to me.

Rational Me understands how this could happen to me as a child. What I can't seem to figure out how to do is reverse this distrust as an adult. Sitting terrified in the courtroom, I simply could not figure out how I could override my ingrained fear of these individuals. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how this fear has been limiting my life. After September 11th, I wanted to be able to stop by my local police department and fire department as so many other people were doing to thank those individuals who risk their lives to protect the lives of people whom they don't even know. I never managed to do it. All I could do was write donation checks to various police and firefighter associations and say some quiet prayers. Even when the firemen stand in the intersections with their boots to collect donations, my heart pounds and my breath quickens. For no logical reason at all, I'm afraid of these people.

Now for the silliest and most embarrassing part of this confession - I've realized that I'm even afraid of a certain Fireman Spanko who I don't even really know and who lives almost all the way across the country from me anyway. One of the blogs that I enjoy reading on a regular basis is Chris' Firehouse. He seems like a really wonderful person, and I've exchanged emails and blog comments with his wonderful wife Sparkle several times. When I decided to become active with the online spanko community, I decided to contact those blog writers whose blogs I most enjoyed to let them know how much I appreciate them. To date, I still have not managed to do this for Chris (although I'm proud to say I've managed a couple of brief comments on his blog). Rational Me knows he's not going to fly across the country and strangle me with a fire hose, but Irrational Me is wetting herself right now and trying to convince me to delete this paragraph.

So, Chris, if you're reading this, I love your blog. I'd like to be able to send you a proper message the way I did with Sparkle and others, but for now I'm only comfortable hiding behind my own blog readers and waving from a distance. I don't know if I'll ever have the opportunity to meet you, but if I do, please don't take personally my uncontrollable shaking and inability to speak. It really has nothing to do with you. I'm just Irrational.