Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Rough Start

Even though hubby and I were both spankos, and both knew the other was a spanko from the day we met, we still have had our share of bumps in the road. It took a while for him to feel comfortable spanking me at all, and when he finally did, it was only for play, and it was fairly gentle. He was going through what I suppose many Tops have gone through... He felt guilty for wanting to spank me because he was taught never to hit a woman, and was so afraid of abusing me that he'd give me a few gentle pats, and it would be over. It was a frustrating period for me, because I didn't know how to encourage him. He already knew I wanted it, but I guess he needed to work through his feelings at his own pace.

Things did get better. Over the course of our marriage, we've amassed quite a collection of impliments. He's paddled me until I'm bruised, and given me welts with straps. It scared him, of course, at first. Seeing me bruised understandably brought back the "abuse" concerns for him, but I was quick to assure him that I didn't mind the marks at all. In fact, they were a badge of honor, in a way. Fortunately he overcame that bump a bit faster.

Now we are working on a domestic discipline relationship. Using spanking for punishment has been much harder to work out than play spankings were, for both of us. This is where things have gotten the most difficult for me. I have a "good girl" complex. I'm terrified of making mistakes, and most of the time I behave myself quite well. And yet for some inexplicable reason, I feel a very strong need for discipline. I need to know that my husband loves me enough to put his foot down with me. I need to know that he is interested enough in me to pay attention to what I do and don't do. But when spanking time arrives, it gets a little less clear...

The first time I was ever to be punished... I fainted. My husband had just begun to spank me, and he was scolding me at the same time. He told me he was disappointed in me, and that triggered a panic attack. I started to hyperventilate, and he stopped spanking me immediately and made me get up. Unfortunately, making a person who is hyperventilating get up quickly isn't the best thing to do... I dropped like a bag of bricks.

So we were right back at square one. Hubby didn't spank me again for a long time after that. It scared the bejesus out of both of us. For me, though, I was most afraid that he'd never spank me again. I was afraid that I'd never again feel the connection with my husband that I feel when he spanks me.

Fortunately, we did eventually move past that. We're currently working on a domestic discipline relationship... I have rules that I'm expected to follow, and if I break them, I get punished. My husband doesn't always feel it necessary to punish me... for smaller infractions he's made me write apology letters and things like that.

I still feel I don't get spanked enough. I'm not sure why I feel like I need to be spanked so much, but I do. Right now I feel like he could spank me every day and it still wouldn't be enough. I've considered deliberately earning a punishment, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I love my husband too much to manipulate him that way, and I really do respect the rules that we've established.

Well, hubby is actually calling me now. I'd better go see what he wants... or else I'll get punished. ;)


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